How to Accomplish Great Things in Life

OK, first off... the headline is a misrepresentation of what I'm actually going to write about. See, success is differently defined by each individual depending on what their particular goals are in life. Some of us have particularly defined goals, some of us are still wandering through life trying to figure out what those goals should be, and some of us don't even realize that we have goals.

I'm one of those people who is horrible at setting and keeping goals, because my goals depend so much on what I think I should have accomplished rather than what I have accomplished. It makes me confused about the path my life is taking (note the present tense) because so much of what I think defines me is the decisions I've made in my past instead of the ones I will make in my future. I'm confronting that idea head-on, because I think I'm trying to convince myself that's not the case.

One common complaint I hear from my single friends, and get asked about by absolute strangers (living in the South, y'all) is that as relatively young persons, we are expected to settle down and have children. That's a milestone that all "youngsters," but especially women, seem to be expected to have accomplished by the time they are... what, 30? It's a social pressure that is frankly demeaning for all sorts of reasons.

Some women and men are superbly picky about whom they choose to marry, and thus be the other half of their children's lives; this is me, if I even decide to become a mother. Some women and men have fertility issues that they can't address for a myriad of reasons I won't list on here. Some women and men just don't want to have children, and that is their choice. The Oatmeal puts that best into perspective, because this is also me. I'll babysit, but the thought of being responsible for the upbringing of another human being and helping them to understand the world around them is terrifying. That may change depending on lots of factors, but I very definitely don't have a biological clock ticking away at me.

That doesn't mean that we're any less accomplished. We're supposed to pick our battles carefully, but this is a battle against social norms that are reinforced by nearly every holy book or path to enlightenment I have ever studied, and further reinforced by those people who expect it from us, even strangers. Even more confounding is when society expects us to be accomplished at other things if we're not parents, much less if we are.

I thought I wanted to be a big-shot when I was a kid, even when I was very small. I expected to take over my mother's marketing/public relations/community relations firm when I came of age and continue to build it up. Long before we ever moved across the state and she dissolved the company, I realized I didn't really have that goal in mind. It was a pipe dream built on expectations that I couldn't yet understand. I enjoyed sitting in the receptionist's chair and handling the front desk, proofreading and editing what she and her staff produced, and assisting in getting marketing materials and mass mailings out the door, but being solely responsible for others' work and making sure it all got done when I wasn't even sure that's what I wanted to do for the rest of my life was just too much. That doesn't mean I'm not entrepreneurial in spirit — just that taking over mom's business is goal that's not important to me anymore. Having my own business that will lift or fall based on my own failings, and I don't have the pressure of ruining my mother's good name in the process? Yep, that's about my speed. Independence should have been my middle name.

Have I been successful in the working world? Umm... that is a double-edged sword. I believe that I have been perceived as a threat by a lot of my employers. I'm perceptive to a degree, but I think I'm really sensitive to clues to a larger picture, even if I'm not in on the plan. I challenge the status quo because I live to one of my father's mottos, "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got." I care deeply about my coworkers and will find a way to encourage and inspire them, which managers think are a threat to their leadership skills. See my above statement about "independence" — that's a scary term to certain managerial types, but if channeled in the right way should be absolutely liberating to have in an employee.

So, my accomplishments are nil according to those two criteria, but I want to share what I do think are my biggest accomplishments, so far, as I define success.

• I survived a string of abusive relationships and came out stronger on the other side, and with better definitions for what I want from a life-mate.
• I graduated with a bachelor's degree from a really awesome school where I learned a lot about human interaction more than I learned about anything else.
• I held to my moral and ethical code, both the professional and my personal definition, despite some employers' insistence that I compromise my integrity.
• I have never stopped wondering about the larger universe around me and learning about it, and strive every day to look at it through the eyes of a child — it keeps your perspective small and your sense of wonder large.
• I have never stopped laughing and smiling and HOPING. Even in my deepest depths, when my heart was hardened and walled up, when my belief in myself flagged and waned and almost gave up, when I felt I couldn't go on — hope is such a powerful driver in my life. I practice hope every day.
• I've learned how my weaknesses are my strengths, because they make me who I am. They are the things that I will continue to work on throughout the rest of my life, for they are what keep me humble.
• I've accepted that I will never stop misunderstanding myself and questioning myself, and really examining the concept of "reality." I'm a multi-faceted individual, as we all are, and I love really understanding that about myself.

Define success by your rules and your rules alone. When you're on your deathbed, will you be saying "I did great things at my job; I hope I'm remembered for all the work I did!" or will you be saying "I lived a great life full of twists and turns, and I know people will remember me for that!"