I didn't want to confront this demon now, but now that Robin Williams has passed away, I guess I must try to express my reaction to how he died. I didn't want to ride the coattails of those who have somehow mustered up the emotional fortitude to write about his death, but... well, I am doing so now, aren't I?
I know the pain of depression very well, and the wish to just end it all because it hurts too much to go on. I feel like a drain on my family and friends, so I isolate myself from those who are, and hole myself up, which just feeds the depression even more because I feel like I've done something to wrong them.
In the past year, I have thought many times about ending it all. I drew up a pro and con list of reasons why I should go ahead and do it, and there were plenty of reasons in the pro column and not enough in the con column. That's not typical of most depressives, but I was trying to be logical about it. I wrote a note to each loved one, telling them how much I loved them and explaining myself as best I could. I guess I was stalling what I thought was the inevitable conclusion to my existence.
It is called a selfish act by many who don't understand why anyone would choose to end their life, and even though I am no longer so deep in that dark abyss I couldn't see any light, I still don't understand why someone would make such a hurtful accusation.
One could make the argument that it is making a choice about the way you go, and that's selfish — many people who have terminal illnesses do the same. I've watched many family members make those choices even when recovery was hopeless. I tried to talk my father out of his last surgery, but he was convinced that it would make him whole again.
One could make the argument that so many people attempt it for the attention, so of course that's selfish to do — I hate to burst your bubble here buddy, but the lack of attention to what they were trying to say has led those individuals to make that attempt, and it was unsuccessful for one reason or another. At least someone is listening to them now, and hopefully is getting them the help they desperately need.
One could invalidate the decision simply because obviously there's someone who cares about you even if you don't, so it's selfish to remove yourself from their life because you care about them so much — let me make one thing clear right now. You don't really believe that anyone cares about you. I can't emphasize that statement enough; you don't believe in your heart that anyone truly cares about you.
The young man I went to senior prom with died three years ago. He reached out to me through Facebook even though we were never close friends, and we talked about how important he was to his friends, his family, even the wife who left him. He pushed her away, he pushed his family away, he pushed everyone away, and yet he reached out to me. And he still did something to end his life; I never learned how, and I don't think I want to know. I know how I thought about doing it.
My friends and family made their love and care known nearly every day when I was in the deepest darkness. That did NOT mitigate the thoughts I was having. I honestly believed that they were doing it because they were wanting to use my darkness against me. I honestly believed that they were trying to control me or manipulate me in some way. It felt suffocating rather than liberating, and that was the depression whispering in my ear that they were just trying to stop what I was going to do anyway; that they were unfairly judging my innermost thoughts and invalidating my hurt and pain.
That sounds illogical, doesn't it? That's because there is no logic behind depression. If you just so happen to also have anxiety disorders, those paranoid thoughts feed the suicidal thoughts. The following thought scared the ever-loving crap out of me when it emerged. "If someone's going to rape me and kill me, or just kill me anyway, I might as well just cut out the middle man and get straight to it. Look at him... he wants to do awful things to me. Just look at that look in his eyes. He'll find you and hurt you worse if you don't kill yourself so he can't get to you." I wound up completely removing myself from even grocery shopping just because I felt like I was an easy target for someone so inclined.
Seriously?
Anxiety loves to feed the suicidal thoughts and magnify everything so that you're examining it all in excruciating detail, twisting it into all sorts of strange perceptions, and pours it all into the swirling maelstrom, making it larger and larger until you're swept up in this black twisting form that eats at you when you're awake and when you're asleep, when you're with friends and when you're alone. And you feel all alone in this torrent even when you're with those who love you. You feel utterly and helplessly alone.
So this is where I am now. From the depths of the rubble the maelstrom left behind, from my personal Hell, I'm climbing back out. The thing is, it's a comfortable and familiar pain in there and climbing back out is painful in a different way, and in some ways hurts far more. You have to pick those rocks that rubble is made out of up, examine them, and invalidate them somehow. You have to force yourself to look at what led you to the conclusions you made, and convince yourself that they are not what you thought they were. It's easier with therapy, because you have someone holding you somewhat steady while you do it, but it is still such a struggle. I still spin out of control from time to time, and it's no one's fault, not even mine. That's the nature of the beast. I have to remind myself that I am in control of this, and it isn't in control of me. That may not be the truth for everyone, maybe even not for me, but I still cling to it.
My message through all of this is please don't give up on your friends or family members that push you away no matter how hard you try to get through to them. They need you to remind them, even if they don't believe it, that they are important to you. Visit them as frequently as you can, hug them close, and listen to them even if it brings you down. Let them know that you're there, and don't let go, don't give up hope on reaching them somehow. Don't feed the storm; the worst thing anyone ever said to me when I was considering taking my own life was "You're going to Hell if you do it." It didn't matter to me, because I was already in Hell. I just hadn't made it official yet. And I hope to never make it back there.
<3
ReplyDelete