Unexpected Reactions

The thing with being proactive about your depression and anxiety disorders is that you don't realize that you're doing things that treat your triggers after a while. This is one thing I've noticed about mine.

My aunt started a conversation with me the other day about her particular form of anxiety. She told me that she tended to be anxious about threats to herself — which is part of what my reactions are like, but they are also about threats to others. This includes people I don't even know, or should really care about, when it comes right down to it.

I realized that I have stopped reading or watching the news. I knew that watching bad news made me hurt, sometimes physically, but most of the time it just broke my heart. In the back of my mind, before I started being proactive about my treatments, I knew that I needed to stop but it's very hard to do so when you're a former newshound!

During my summer internship with a local newspaper, I was encouraged to learn from other reporters by reading their work. My mother encouraged me to read and watch the news from a very early age. I consumed news like it was air at times. And with every plane crash, every politician not keeping their promises, every town and city that crashed with the economy (here's looking at you Detroit), every tsunami, earthquake, and tornado, my heart broke a little bit more.

Some people call it empathy or compassion. Some people call it a blessing to be so concerned with others. Some people call it a soft touch or a soft heart. Whatever you call it, I was born with the weight of the world on my shoulders, and it doesn't feel like it should be a good thing. It's almost selfish to do this to myself, and that's where I feel some confusion. Is it selfish? Is it compassionate? Or is it projecting my internal feelings on the world?

In 2005, Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans. My first reaction was to load the trunk of my car with bottled water and point my car in that direction. I wanted to give more than I had just to help out. I just didn't realize how idiotic that sounded at the time. The governor, FEMA, and the Army Corps of Engineers had shut down inbound and outbound traffic. There was no way I was going to get past that without being a part of the Red Cross or another emergency response group.

One of the best pieces of dating advice (not that I'm dating right now, but I'm considering it...) I have ever received is that you should be up on the latest events, because when conversation comes to a lull, it's a great way to restart the conversation. Well, that's out the window for now. However, I do know that if there is chemistry, then there won't be an awkward silence; at least not on the first date.

Passively accepting that I've started "ignoring" the world is one thing. Actively, what I've done is culled my "Friends" list on Facebook, but I didn't announce it. Anyone who did not contribute positive things to my life's path were either de-friended or un-followed, and I removed the apps that did the same. I realized that I was caring too much, loving too much, hurting too much.

That may not have been the smartest thing to do, but it was a way to save my sanity. I can't be responsible for the world anymore. I can't feel responsible for others and take care of myself. I CAN turn all that energy towards moving forward, toward healing, and toward myself. I think that's the most compassionate thing I can do right now — pay attention to myself for once, instead of others.